On heavy hearts & coping.

If you haven’t noticed I’ve taken a little leave of absence. Initially this was because I just have been incredibly busy & trying to manage still getting sleep which sadly cuts into blogging time. Then things took a whirlwind trip today.

Warning: This post is not my normal post centered around healthy eating & fitness. This is sad and a fact of life.

Today for PT (for ROTC) we were to have a briefing instead of exercising. I thought “oh great, it’s another dumb alcohol briefing, waste of time”. I wish that had been the case this time. I’d do anything to reverse those words and endure 3 hours of being lectured about underage drinking.

Instead our LTC addressed us (which always means something really good or really bad). From the tone of his voice, instantly I knew that whatever this briefing was about, it was not good. His words ring in my ears. “Yesterday was a dark day for the Badger Battalion. As some of you may have heard we lost one of our own yesterday.”

At that point I was thinking oh crap. Someone got in a bad accident coming back from Spring Break. Then he continued… “Before rumors spread I want you all to know what happened. It is being investigated but all signs currently point to suicide.” All you could hear was gasps and jaws hitting the floor. No one saw this coming… but that’s how it often goes. He was a bright, talented, fun, driven individual. What went wrong? I’m coming to realize that you cannot ask why in this situation. Because you will never know what was going through his head at the darkest moment of his entire life.

Before I continue with how I’ve reflected on this here’s the rest of the story: My friend had gotten in trouble with the law.. and figured that there was no way out. He claimed his own life yesterday afternoon. It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. I will avoid going into detail because no one wants to hear about that. I wish I didn’t either.

19 years old, a son, a soldier, a student, a friend. I wish that he had felt comfortable to talk to one of us in ROTC with him. It is a fabulous support system and wrings my heart thinking that he didn’t feel comfortable enough talking to one of the 80 of us.

I have spent a lot of the day reflecting on this. I definitely will be changing my attitude towards meeting new people and making them feel included. Who the hell cares what your friends think of you for befriending someone else. Everyone needs a friend. Everyone needs a support system. I’m lucky enough to have plentiful of both. But people like him, aren’t. Breaks my heart into pieces. The whole situation also has made me feel entirely selfish. I constantly ‘sweat the small stuff’. It’s not worth it. Life is too short & precious to worry about having a bad run, gaining a couple pounds, doing poorly on a test. I can’t spend my time worrying about what kind of job I’m going to have in the future because before I know it, my future could be snatched right from my very hands. Who cares about the small stuff; I’m alive, I’m breathing, and I love and am loved in return. No problem is ever that bad; we will recover from sticky situations, breakups, setbacks, and failures. You only get so many tomorrows so please don’t waste them.

Sorry this is so sporadic but I’ve been having a difficult time digesting it all and writing it down helps a lot. Tomorrow I will get back to the normal happy posts, but with this weighing so heavily on my heart I had to get it out. If you read this far, sorry for potentially ruining your mood, but I appreciate it. Bloggers are part of a community & support system. Thank you.

ps. When I called my mom and told her “____ died” I finally cried and accepted it for what it was. She said, “look at your wrist, you have that tattoed there for a reason”. [I have ‘live like you were dying’ on my wrist] & she couldn’t be more correct. We must live happily for we don’t know when today can become our last yesterday.


Tell me: Have you ever had to deal with a suicide of someone you know? How did you cope?


4 thoughts on “On heavy hearts & coping.

  1. Pingback: we must keep moving forward « myhighonlife

  2. Pingback: we must keep moving forward « myhighonlife

  3. Aw, I am so sorry you are going through such a loss. I’ve had a handful of friends commit suicide from high school, and it is a very painful process for those left behind to go through. If you need any one to talk to about your feelings, I am here! I’ve dealt with more death that I would like for being only 25, but sometimes that is the reality of life. Thinking of you bunches!!

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