Wordy Wednesday

This post is incredibly difficult for me to write-I touched on it before but after all your amazing support I figured I would further elaborate. If you don’t like sad and serious blog posts, divert your attention elsewhere. If you ever have found yourself struggling with depression and overcoming severe life changes, then read on. I hope opening up about my experience will help you in any way. Caveat: I am leaving out some details as they are just too personal for me to discuss. If you want to discuss it further or have questions you can contact me via e-mail (kcriemer AT yahoo DOT com)
 
For months I thought I could ‘hide’ the depression or that it would magically disappear on its own… My thoughts were ‘well maybe if I exercise more the endorphins will make me HAPPY’. If I spend time doing things that make me happy I would be happy… only to realize that I don’t even know what makes me happy or ‘tick’ anymore. By having these thoughts rather than just accepting the truth I was more wrong than ever with thinking that I could fix it and only causing more harm.
 
By covering it up, not only was I lying to myself, but I was lying to all those close family and friends around me that love me and support me through the good, the bad, the happy & the sad. While deep down I knew and have known for months that I do indeed have depression, to possibly even a severe extent, I refused to grasp or accept it. I didn’t want to be the girl who needs medicine to be ‘happy’. I didn’t want to be the girl who is unstable—one week being so happy and the next being in complete misery.
 
Then this past weekend I had a moment of clarity. Unfortunately it took a night of darkness, sadness, and being alone to realize I HAD to get help. It wasn’t an option anymore. As mentioned before I will spare some of the details but the jist of it is I had that breaking point that I needed that lonely night.
 
I spent the weekend with my family back at home and got back to my apartment early evening on Sunday. I had a rough weekend to begin with and Tyler is vacationing with his family in St. Thomas—the guy who I can tell everything to and know that he will still love me the next day and be supportive wasn’t here. I didn’t know what to do. My friends are few and far between these days and I was too embarrassed to talk to my mom about how deep these issues truly resonate.
 
My parents know I have had depression since this past summer, but only Tyler knows how bad it really has been these past few months. With him being gone I didn’t want to ruin his vacation anymore than I already had by telling him how bad of a place I was in. So I turned to a bottle of hot apple pie (read: heavy on the everclear, heavy on the vodka, medium on the apple juice) and drank glass after glass after glass. Alone. On the living room floor. With an empty stomach. Listening to the saddest music possible. When I knew I had more than enough to drink I said ‘what’s one more?’. That happened numerous times. I tore my apartment apart. I cried for hours on end until I finally drank enough and passed out in bed.
 
I may have felt better for a little bit before the drinking got excessive that night but like all “remedies” I was doing myself-it was temporary. And now I was putting myself in danger too.Monday morning, hungover at work, I decided it was time. I couldn’t do this anymore.
 
Tyler has been urging (but not forcing) me to call to actually see a psychiatrist and a therapist to discuss my depression and body dysmorphia with someone qualified to help me. Making that phone call was quite honestly one of the hardest things in my life. As if I didn’t feel embarrassed before-now I felt weak for asking for HELP. Today I still sit here and don’t see how getting the help makes me a strong person. Tyler, my friends and family all remind me that I am being strong by getting help, I truly hope that I can see the strength in it. I can tell you that finally realizing and accepting the fact that depression is not something that will just go away and get the appropriate help has lifted a weight off of my shoulders.
 
This will not be forever. I WILL be happy again even if it is by taking the right medication indefinitely. I can’t bear the thought of putting my amazing relationship with Tyler in jeopardy because I refuse to get help, I don’t want to scare my friends and family anymore. I want to wake up every day and ENJOY this life that I am so privileged to have.
 
I may have a job I don’t fully enjoy…but I have a job.
 
I may not have the dream body I want…but I’m working hard towards my goals and am physically healthy.
 
I may not have a ton of friends…but the ones I do still have are the best people I could have in my life at a time like this.
 
I may not know what the future entails…but that means I have a lot of options and so much time to figure it out.
 
Until I see the doctor and therapists I am doing a lot of self-reflecting and journaling to record this process. Some days are good, some are bad and I want to get to the bottom of it. I will get to the bottom of it.
 
If you’ve made it this far-you really rock. I hope that this wasn’t too dreary for you but as I mentioned-I want to help anyone I can by sharing my experiences.
 
Happy Hump Day—half way to the weekend!
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8 thoughts on “Wordy Wednesday

  1. I am so glad that you’re reaching out and getting help.. it is such a difficult thing to do, but I think that you’ll find that it’s the best decision you will have made in a while :) I am headed to Madison this weekend, if you ever need a friend, let me know! I am always willing to meet up to chat :)

  2. You opened up, so I will too. I have battled depression and panic disorder since I was 14… yes 11 almost 12 years. It’s really freaking hard to ask for help. I know that. I also know how hard it is when you don’t feel like you have the friends to talk to about it. I am glad you have parents and a man who are willing to stand by you and make sure you get the help that you need. The one thing I have learned over the years is that someone can help you find the door to happiness but you have to be the one to walk though it. So help is great, and support is wonderful but the best part is when you get to the point where YOU walk through the door. Find someone you can talk to, a good therapist….if they aren’t working GET A NEW ONE. I went through 6 before I found the one I have now,. I have seen her for 4 years and I’d be lost without her. She asks me thought provoking questions and gives me homework and she holds me accountable for my mistakes and slips on things.

    Think about all that you have and think about all that you would like to have. Create a plan to get yourself there. WRITE IT DOWN, and share it with someone or a few people, let them help hold you accountable.

    As someone who has been in your shoes for a long time, please let me know if you ever need anything or want to talk to someone who has been there. Trust me, I know how those lows feel, I know what it’s like to need a night of alone darkness to see that it’s time for help. The best thing is you are willing to ask for help and people who care will make sure you get it.

  3. I struggled with depression/social anxiety (mostly the SA led to the depression from mid college until roughly senior year and a bit when moving here by myself. I know that getting help is not what I wanted at first but just talking and venting is what I needed. Glad you could find that.

  4. I know exactly what you mean about being strong by asking for help. I have always had such a negative outlook on myself- how could I ever do anything good or impressive? Think about how much more you deal with on a daily basis than the average person. There are thousands more out there that are feeling the same way and will never talk about it outloud to anyone. You are incredibly brave for posting what you did and I can promise you, I and many other people have been in that same spot. I’ve come to believe that my body was made a little bit differently and if I need a little medication to balance it out- then fine- I think the concern over medicine comes from others’ judgement and really, it’s none of their business! I hope your days are getting better and you realize how inspirational you’ve been! Thank you!

  5. Something I have come to realize and accept (for the most part) is that we will NEVER know what the future holds. Instead of trying to direct the future, sit back and enjoy the days as they come. Find what makes you happy in what you have now. Your job may not be the best, but find something good about it that can get you through the days and onto the weekends where you can fulfill that fun in your life!

    You are on the right path, venting, talking, talking to other people is key to finding what can help you in the long run. You are doing the right thing for you and also for the people that love you (more importantly for you though.) I’m proud of you, and you are one tough chick and will pull through this stronger than ever. You have a wonderful support system, that is definitely something to be happy about!

  6. Thank you for being real in your posts. I think it’s great that you are reaching out and sharing with others and I admire your strength. We’re all here if you need us and remember to USE us for support too! <3 hugs!

  7. Pingback: With a Heavy Heart. | myhighonlife

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